I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
