I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i will never coherently bang her
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
