I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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