I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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