how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
