There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
