You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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