i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
