I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
