I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
