what day is it and did you see me today?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
