worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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