I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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