No stitches, just platelets and will power
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
