This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
