Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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