Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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