...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
