rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
