i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
