please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
