I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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