New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
