Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
