i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
