We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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