Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
