but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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