Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
