i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
