It's like a parade of train wrecks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
