i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
