i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
