So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
