can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
