After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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