i may or may not be watching the land before time
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
