Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
