Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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