allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
