my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
