I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
