Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
