I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wear drunk well.
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