So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
