he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
