just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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