The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
