Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
