Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
